Ive Run out of Runspiration

This Sunday is the Pirates 10km, ordinarily a race that I would be looking forward to.  It’s a race through the suburbs where I started this insane journey of madness, so I know the hills of Linden all too well.  But as I write this blog I am tucked up in bed as sick as a dog, and honestly there is a huge sense of relief flowing through me at the fact that there is no ways on earth I will be running on Sunday.

Don’t get me wrong, somewhere deep down I still love running, but at the moment its way way deep down.  I haven’t run since Two Oceans – since Easter.  I attempted a Parkrun in Umlanga, but my running partner (read: Ladybug) had other ideas and she gave up after not even 500m in.  I know I call myself a fair weather runner, and with the weather being a hell of a lot colder than normal, its been the perfect excuse. Although if I have to be honest with myself, its actually an emotional thing for me.

I last ran in Cape Town, a place I relate very closely to my Grandparent and my family, after all they did live there for a few years.  It was also the place I took my first every plane trip to, my first ever holiday away from my Mom was to Cape Town to spend time with my Grandparents when my brother was born.  I still remember being so excited when my Grandparents were moving up to Johannesburg, I waited for at the gate of our block of flats in Linden because I was convinced our street was the one they had to drive on to get to their new house in Sandton.

I remember going down to Cape Town with my Mom and my brother for a Holiday, it was the Easter school holidays in 1993.  I will never forget, it was the time that Chris Hani was shot.  I knew even then that this meant something big in our history as a Country, its funny how somethings just stick.  It was also the last holiday we had with my Uncle in South Africa – He immigrated to Australia a few years after that.  I had not been back to Cape Town since then.

I sat on New Years Eve telling my Grandfather my insane plans to run the Two Oceans Half and how I was looking forward to taking Ladybug to Cape Town.  He was proud of me for achieving what I had, and for going for it.  I did the Two Oceans Half, I didn’t finish it.  He knew I tried my best and he was still proud of me.  Two days after I returned from Cape Town, my Grandfather lost his battle to Cancer.

The last time I ran, he was still alive.  The last time I ran was in a City he loved, and a City I relate closely to him.

I know it is just an emotional barrier I need to get over, I know there is nothing physically stopping me from running again in fact quite the opposite.  I find myself back at my physio with my back injury because I have stopped running and I have stopped all form of exercise.  As the days tick by I know its getting harder to get back on the road, I know I have lost all my fitness I once had, but I also know Im just not ready to get back out there.  Its been almost 3 months, it might take another 3 months, it might take a lifetime.  At this stage I don’t know how long it will take, but each day I plan for it to be soon.  Each day I feel the road calling, I feel the need to get back out there, but then again I am relieved that there is no ways I can think of doing Pirates this weekend.  Lets hope this flu that has me (wo)man down is the first and last physical excuse for not running, lets hope that once I am healthy again I can get back to running, even if at first its baby steps or 1km at a time on the treadmill.  I need to be able to go back to Cape Town, I need to be able to finish the Two Oceans Half, I need to be able to do it for me and for my Grandfather.

xoxox

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3 thoughts on “Ive Run out of Runspiration

  1. The Blessed Barrenness says:

    Feel better soon Cassie.
    And I am sorry for your loss but take your time and get back out there, even if it’s just to walk for now until you feel ready because a little activity is still better than no activity.
    P.S. I’m also struggling with my running mojo at the moment.

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