I lay awake at night and I dream of a future for you. I dream of an awesome life for you. One that is filled with happiness, love and abundance, but sometimes that is not always reality. Today, you have seen me cry a lot. You know my heart is sore, you have told me to go to the Doctor to feel better. But the truth my Love is that sometimes the Doctor can’t make you feel better. This is one of those times.
Today my Love, a life was given a deadline… only a few days… words a person never wants to hear, and words I pray that you never hear again. Today I was told that your Great Grampa only had a few days to live. Sometimes I think that is worse than a phone call to be told that someone has left this earth, you know there is nothing you can do, you know that you are helpless and you wait… you wait for that phone call…. You wait to be told that there is another angel in heaven… you wait.
My darling, you have spent two holidays with your Great Grampa, the first you do not remember, but there were photos to show you before we saw him again in December. The first time you met him, we were in Granny’s garage, and you basically flew out of my arms into his arms. You just knew. He was there when you started walking, he was there for your first Christmas, Mommy even managed to get him to dress up in a Santa Suit, like he did for Mommy many many years ago.
The next 22 months you got to know him over skype which is quiet something my darling, you see Great Grampa has never spoken over the phone let alone skype. You named him Big Grampa over skype the one day. They were in McDees, Granny was bumming the free wifi there so that they could all skype us, Granny turned the camera to show you Grampa and next to him was Great Grampa. And from that day on, my Grampa became Big Grampa to you.
My Ladybug, your name that you gave my Grampa is an apt name, he was big, he was larger than life, and he was amazing. There was a story for everything, a tale to be told. I am sorry that you did not get to know that side of him that you didn’t get to hear all the African tales that he knew off by heart. Im sorry that you didn’t get to go caravaning with him, or go on game drives with him, or swim with him. Im sorry that you never got to hear the stories of how they made him dress up for the year end functions at his work (he has done some pretty outrageous things, including dancing like a ballerina on stage). I can only tell you the stories as best as I can remember them, try to pass on his love for things by doing them with you. I can teach you to love and respect people, like he taught Granny and Mommy.
Your Big Grampa was truly a big man, he still is in our hearts. Unfortunately sometimes life is unfair, sometimes people get sick and sometimes they just can’t go on. Ladybug, your Big Grampa has fought one of the biggest battles in life. 5 years ago Big Grampa was diagnosed with Cancer. He had an operation to remove it, he went through chemo, but then it came back and Big Grampa decided he didn’t want to go through that again because it made him so sick. He fought hard, he gave it his all, but now his body isn’t strong enough anymore and he is tired. You told me to tell him to go to another Doctor this morning to get better, but my Love this is his decision and we need to accept that.
We have some wonderful memories with Big Grampa, even more now from our trip in December, although our time with him was limited. The three of us enjoyed New Year’s Eve together, we went to see him in is house and we spoke to him on the phone a few weeks ago – it was a good day, he knew who we were.
Ladybug, for the next few weeks Mommy will cry, a lot. You will cry too, but our sore hearts will get better, it will just take time. But right now, we just have to wait.
Know that your Big Grampa loves you lots and when his time on this earth is finished, he will be up with the Angels watching over you and making sure Mommy does a good job in raising you into a wonderful woman. He will also make sure that you “keep smiling Twinkle Toes”.
My Dearest Ladybug, an hour after Mommy wrote this letter to you, Big Grampa passed away in his sleep. xxx