Day 5: A Time You Thought About Ending Your Own Life.

I can remember the time and the moment with crystal clarity, I can replay every second as it happens, in slow motion without skipping a beat.  It was Thursday, 1 July 2004, probably 19h00 or there about, Googoo Dolls Iris was playing in the background.

The May of 2004 I had gone into early labour with Gabby, I was 19 weeks pregnant.  I had gone for my check up on the Thursday and everything was fine.  Everything was on track, she was healthy, she was still a she.  Gabriella Patricia Kelly was her name.  She was due on the 3rd October 2004, another Libra to add to the family.  On Monday the 3rd May 2004, Gabby was born at 17h15.  She didn’t survive; she was just too little, too under developed.  I went home without a baby after being in labour for most of the day.  I had nothing.  2 days later my milk started, I had no one to feed, no one to hold.  I had nothing.
I held it together until the last few days in June.  My Mom, my rock, my pillar of strength had gone to Australia on holiday and I fell apart.  My support structure was gone, I had no one.  I was alone for the first time ever on my birthday, which added to things.  I can tell you right now that I never actually intended to kill myself, I never wanted to die.  I can tell you though that I wanted to hold Gabby, I wanted to see her once and I wanted to hold her just once.  That was the only thought that processed my mind, it was the only thought I had and it controlled me.  It was the only thing that would fix me, or so I believed at that moment of desperation.

I was committed to a psychiatric ward for 10 days; I was diagnosed with (delayed) post natal depression, I had reached a manic state.  I was released discharged a new person and in time to fetch my Mom and family from the airport.  I was completely off any anti-psychotic mediation with a week of being discharged.  It’s a time in my life that I don’t regret, even though it was the darkest, hardest and most dangerous time in my life.  It also turned out to be one of the biggest lessons life could have given me, it made me stronger, it made me wiser, it made me the person I am today.

I live with the scars daily, they are a constant reminder.  I got a tattoo over them years later, a tattoo that represented my family; my brothers, my sister and Gabby.  I now remember the lesson in a positive way; the tattoo was the final physical change that had to happen.

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xoxo

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One thought on “Day 5: A Time You Thought About Ending Your Own Life.

  1. Heather says:

    Wow Cassie, I don’t know what I would have done if that had happened to me, all respect to you for pulling through such a difficult time and coming out so strong. I am sure it has really made you value your Ladybug so much more as well.

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