This is a question I spent asking myself the whole of last week. I even told someone that Im not cut out for this Mom thing.
I spend a very long 5 hours in Casualty with Ladybug the Monday before last. I took her to Causality for concussion but while we were there my very bubbly hyperactive child became this lethargic lifeless boiling hot thing that lay on my chest. The more we waited the more useless and helpless I felt, eventually I managed to get her to sleep, I at least accomplished that!
That sense of accomplishment soon vanished when you hear your child screaming because strange people are taking bloods from her, every fiber in your body wants to protect your child, but you know you doing the right thing by allowing the doctors and nurses to do their thing. Casualty is definitely not for the faint hearted.
Ladybug’s fever eventually broke, we still do not know why she had a fever – her GP later suggested that perhaps it was her body’s way of coping with the stress of being in Casualty. But best sound in the world, other than those first crying when Ladybug was born, was the sound of her laughing in Casualty! Followed closely by her saying “Mommy Food, I eat” and even better when followed by the words “You can do home now, you just need to fill in the discharge forms”.
I battled with Ladybug to get her to eat for the next week, which added to my sense of worthlessness, compounded by the fact that I was blamed for her accident when I wasn’t even with her, added to the fact that being a single Mom you don’t have anyone else to take over when you need to just take a breather and sit in the corner in a fetal position and sob because you know things could have been so much worse than they were and you know exactly how lucky you are that they turned out the way they are.
I saw this online – one of those irritating motivational feed things on your Facebook timeline –
It made me cry, but then I realised that in Ladybug’s eyes I am Super Mom. She doesn’t see how I feel like a failure, how I feel totally worthless and how I wonder if I am cut out to do this Mom thing. All she sees is Super Mom. Super Mom loves her, fights for her and with her. Super Mom provides for her every need. Super Mom is good cop and bad cop, best friend and evil witch and Super Mom is the centre of her Universe (until she is at School, then Teacher is).
We have usually spent long weekends dosing Ladybug up and getting over whatever illness she gets for the long weekend, but this last long weekend (having dealt with Casualty during the week) we spent the weekend together. We spent the weekend doing things together, playing together, and learning together. I learnt a few very valuable lessons in the last week, but one of the most valuable lessons I learnt is that I am cut out to do this Mom thing. I can do this Mom thing. It might be the hardest thing in the world to do, but I can do it. It hit me like a ton of bricks last night as I look at Ladybug from across the room and I fell in love with her all over again, THAT’S when I knew I am cut out to do this Mom thing.