Someone asked me recently why I blog, who I’m blogging for and what I want from it. This got me thinking… for me, blogging is my writing, my therapy and what makes me the colourful individual I am.
I started writing way back in primary school, I remember writing a story about a mouse (I even illustrated the book) and my writing grew from there. In high school my focus had shifted to poetry, and looking back at the poems I had written over the years, I still battle to contemplate that those were my words I came up with. After school my writing moved online, it moved with technology and the times. I kept an online journal (I guess one of many) about my pregnancy with Gabby, and then the loss I experienced. I stopped writing after that, for a while.
I put pen to paper, the good old fashioned way, while I was serving my time in the loony bin, it helped make sense of the crazy that was happening in my mind. I wrote and wrote, about nothing and everything all at once, and when I got out, I carried on writing. Before I knew it, I had written a book and I sent it off to a couple of publishers just to see what some people thought. I got a letter in the post saying that a publishing house in the States wanted to publish my book, they thought it was that good. That was all I needed to hear from them, and that was the end of my book. I never published it, I have looked back at it three or four times since I received the letter. Just having someone say I was good enough to publish was good enough for me (I still have that letter tucked away in a safe place 8 years later).
After the book stint, I continued to write online. Not for all to see, not for anyone to comment on, it was just my thoughts about life, love, depression, heartache and being me. A way for me to express myself, a way to let the universe out there know what was happening in my life on planet earth. Ramblings about important things, ramblings about nothing sometimes just expressing what I couldn’t in verbal words. Reading one of those writings now, I struggle to believe that I wrote it.
This is a little bit of one of those “OMG I wrote that??” posts:
“The Darkness vs The Summers Day
The Darkness is creeping in, with her loving icy cold hands now embracing me. Offering me what I am looking for. Offering me the comfort and solace I am longing for. She kisses me gently draining the life out of my body, leaving me empty, yet full at the same time. How is this so? How is she able to have this effect on me? She embraces me again, before she leaves, leaving me listening to the rain falling outside my window. Not a sound in the house, just the booming thunder outside, the raindrops dancing their dance of joy, as the flashes of light get closer with every minute.
Morning comes, and the darkness has gone, to replace her the uninvited summer day, hot, irritable, annoying summer day beaming through my window. I lay there, staring blankly out the window, longing for the darkness to return. A single tear rolls down my cheek. I now realize what is happening, and there is no way to stop it. I must accept it, live with it, deal with it.
I close my eyes and return to the loving embrace of the darkness. A few hours pass and again the uninvited summer’s day is demanding my attention. I ignore her, comfortable in the icy embrace of the darkness. My body is less forgiving, urging me to feed it, but I cannot bring myself to leave the embrace I am in. Again I stare blankly out the window at the summer’s day, the birds screeching the butterflies pounding their wings as they hurry along their pointless lives.…”
I started Waiting for Widget as my pre-emptive way of dealing with what I was hoping wouldn’t be a repeat of Gabby (which it thankfully wasn’t), it then became a way to keep my family updated. I then had friends who were following my blog and sharing the journey with me. Today I am here, Life with a Ladybug, having been nominated as a Mommy Blogger, being mentioned as a most viewed and top post by international sites, and I can’t believe it. This is just a space to remember those moments with Ladybug, to keep my family up to date and to look back and laugh or cry at things that have happened. It’s fabulous that I’ve been considered a Blogger, I still just write to write, I write because I can string a set of words together and if anyone reads it awesome, if not the universe will read it in years to come.